


none of us is innocent

by jennycaakes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coping, F/M, Friendship, Healing, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 05:50:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3558473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennycaakes/pseuds/jennycaakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maya's survived the Massacre of Mount Weather, but more than anything she wishes she hadn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	none of us is innocent

**Author's Note:**

> Someone requested to me a take on how Maya would feel if she survived the death of everyone on the mountain and how she would fit into Camp Jaha, and I really liked that idea and wanted to explore it. Maya was a great character and I don't know about her voice very well, but I hope this is in tune with her character. Also I'm a sucker for Bellamy/Maya friendship (and Bellamy's character in general let's be real) and I wish it had been explored more, so there's a lot of that in here (no romance on that front, don't worry!).

She paced the airlock at Camp Jaha, wondering what time it was and wishing she could see the sun. Japer had left her alone for now, it was bed time and Maya insisted he sleep in his own tent, but now she herself couldn’t sleep and was pacing the small room. It wasn’t big enough. At least at Mount Weather she could wander. If she got tired of one room she could go to another, or the indoor-outdoor room that had grass and clean air and roaming animals. The airlock was just too small.

Maybe she deserved to suffer, though.

Maya was the only one from Mount Weather to survive. _The only one_. And she didn’t find it fair at all. After her father died she was well prepared to die alongside him as they fought for justice. No matter how many times Maya played it out in her head, she was a goner. It was luck that she was still in a hazmat suit when Clarke and Bellamy irradiated Level 5. She watched her people burn. And before she could take off her own suit to join them Jasper was by her side, telling her that he’d found enough oxygen to get her to Camp Jaha.

“You deserve this happiness,” Jasper told her. “You deserve to be free.”

 _None of us is innocent_ , Maya thought, but couldn’t voice it. When she followed everyone back to Camp Jaha she was numb to the beauty of the earth. Everyone she had ever known was gone. Dead. And it was partly her fault. She played a hand in the destruction of the mountain, and the guilt pumped through her veins with every aching heartbeat.

She had another 48 hours to go, pacing back and forth, smiling at whoever came to see her as though she was some animal trapped in a cage for their amusement. Abby, Clarke’s mom, had given her a bone marrow treatment and told her they just had to wait.

“If Cage had been patient we could’ve saved everyone,” Abby told Maya after giving her the injection. “Bone marrow regenerates, you know. No one had to die.”

Maya thought of her friends back at Mount Weather. She’d always been a bit of a loner but there were definitely people she cared about there, and people who cared about her. How would they feel, knowing that she’d escaped relatively unharmed? The thought kept her from sleeping.

So she paced. Back and forth. And when she was sure no one would walk by, she cried until she couldn’t breathe.

**

When Jasper opened the airlock with Monty by his side, Maya tried her hardest to seem excited. Jasper was happier than she ever remembered seeing him, his smile splitting his face in half as he bounced on his toes. And when her skin stayed smooth and clear, free of radiation burns, they opened the door all the way to let her out.

She took her first breath of air from the earth and it felt like she was breathing in acid fog.

Her eyes watered slightly and Jasper threw his arm around her shoulder, leading her from the airlock to the outdoors. “Hey, hey,” he soothed her softly, “you haven’t even seen the best part yet.”

Because of course Maya wasn’t thinking about those she’d lost, right? Jasper must have thought she was overwhelmed by her freedom. Maya was, just not necessarily in the way he thought.

They walked outside and Maya scanned the area. This place was nothing like Mount Weather. Trees lumbered in the distance, the sky was bright and clear and blue, everything smelled like freshly cleaned laundry, warm and sweet. And for a moment, Maya thought that she was dreaming.

“You made it,” Jasper told her, pressing his lips to her cheek, and Maya nodded, not knowing what to say back.

**

Harper said that Maya could share a tent with her. Harper’s parents never made it down from the sky so she’d been living alone and there was plenty of room in her tent. Harper didn’t like being alone anyway. She helped Maya when as they made her mattress, introduced her to some of her friends from the ark that hadn’t been with the rest in Mount Weather, and was all around kind to her. Harper had a soft smile, and Maya didn’t think she’d earned to see it yet.

“Monty says I snore,” Harper told her as they fluffed up Maya’s pillows, “but I think he was only telling that to make me feel better.”

“What do you mean?” Maya asked.

Harper wrinkled her nose. “Back when Tsing was testing on us it was just me and Monty,” she told her. Maya felt her heart drop into her stomach. If anyone deserved this freedom, it was Harper. Not Maya. “He did whatever he could to make me smile.” Harper spun around and found Maya standing here dumbstruck, her lips parted slightly and her eyebrows furrowed together as she tried to place herself. Here at Camp Jaha. Not there at Mount Weather. She was here, now. Here. Here. Nowhere else. No one else. “Hey,” Harper strode across the tent to Maya and placed her hands on her shoulders. “You’re part of the reason we’re still alive,” Harper said. “We owe you everything. Don’t think about the time before.”

Harper, too, didn’t understand.

Maya might’ve played a part in the Sky People being alive, but that also meant she played a part in all those from Mount Weather being dead.

“I’m trying,” Maya responded. “I’m sorry that you suffered.”

Harper smiled again, soft and sweet. “You don’t need to apologize for the things you didn’t do.”

_Oh, but she did._

**

Jasper was overwhelmingly wonderful, but he wasn’t very smart. Or maybe he could tell that Maya hated being here and didn’t want to say anything about it. Regardless he was always smiling, laughing, reminding her she had earned this freedom. And Maya would smile, force laughter, and thank him. It wasn’t real, and she wished he knew that.

Maya would sneak off by herself and stare into the distance, off towards the mountains she once called home, and wish she could have died with everyone else.

Monty had been the one to tell Maya that Clarke had left, that she felt so much pain from what she’d done to free her people that she couldn’t stand to be around them. Monty said he didn’t understand, but Maya did. Because every time she looked at one of the delinquents who’d been chained to the wall, she wished that she could run away too. Only, Maya didn’t know the earth, and she couldn’t break Jasper’s heart by disappearing late in the middle of the night.

“Where do you think she went?” Maya asked.

“Somewhere we won’t be able to find her,” Monty responded. “She doesn’t think she deserves to be with us.”

And Maya almost told him, then, that she felt similarly. Monty was trustworthy and kind, a good listener and a good friend. But she remembered back in Mount Weather when she told him without the blood transfusions they would die and asked what else they were supposed to do. Monty’s answer was swift. _Die_. Did he think Maya deserved to be here? The way his eyes flickered as he looked in the distance told her, _no, she should be dead with the rest of them._

 _None of us is innocent_ , she thought.

**

In the days following Maya’s freedom she wandered around Camp Jaha often. Jasper had introduced her to most everyone but there were names that she forgot, or maybe her mind had purposefully forgotten them. Everyone looked at her as though she didn’t belong here, and she couldn’t be angry or upset. There was a constant weight in her chest that wouldn’t go away no matter how many cups of Monty’s moonshine she drank or how many kisses Jasper gave her.

Maya didn’t belong here. She wasn’t a Sky Person, she was a Mountain Man. And the Mountain Men had died.

She should be dead.

Late one night she sat by the fire, sneaking out of her and Harper’s tent to get some air and watching the flames dance across the logs. Someone lowered themselves beside her and she turned, surprised to find Bellamy sitting next to her. He passed her a flask without a word and she lifted it to her lips, letting the alcohol numb her system even further.

“Jasper doesn’t understand,” Bellamy said, and she let his words hang in the air. “I know you must be hurting.” Maya blinked hard, and then took another swig from the flask before passing it back. “You saved my life,” Bellamy told her quietly. “You helped save all of these people. But your own…”

“I don’t think we need to talk about it,” Maya said. This was the conversation she’d been dying to have, but now that it was out there she wanted it taken back.

Bellamy sighed loudly and shook his head. “I’m sorry it has to be this way,” he finally murmured. “I really am.” Maya didn’t speak again, and Bellamy shifted beside her. She heard him drink from the flask and again he passed it in her direction. After Maya had swallowed some more moonshine he told her, “I pulled the lever that irradiated Level Five.”

“I thought that was Clarke.”

“We pulled it together,” he answered. “Regardless, it wasn’t _you_ Maya. You didn’t kill your people, I did.”

“I saved you,” Maya countered. “I let you into the mountain.”

“You fought for what was right,” Bellamy pressed. “We could talk in circles for days. In the end, they’re still dead and we’re both going to feel at fault.” Maya turned her head to look at him and Bellamy lifted his shoulders into a shrug. “There’s no good answer to what happened.” His face was illuminated with the fire, oranges and yellows bathing his tan skin. “We’ve just got to keep moving forward.” Bellamy tilted his head to look at her. “ _You’ve_ got to keep moving forward.”

Maya’s eyes felt like they were burning, the telltale sign that she was going to cry. Slowly she tipped her head into a nod. “Yeah,” she croaked. “I’m trying.”

“It’s not going to happen overnight,” he went on. “But it’s okay to be upset. I need you to know that.” Maya nodded again and Bellamy took the flask back from her, passing it between his hands and staring at the metal. “Talk to Jasper,” Bellamy went on. “He’s not good at broaching these topics. But he’ll listen to you. And he really does care about it.” He lifted his shoulders into a shrug. “He’s not stupid. Just scared he won’t know what to say.”

After a long pause Maya cleared her throat, not wanting it to shake when she spoke. It shook anyway. “I still don’t deserve this,” she said.

Bellamy looked like he was going to cry, and it was something Maya didn’t understand. He’s completed his mission, he’d saved his people. He’d won the war.

“Do you need forgiveness?” he asked. His voice was thick, as though he was struggling for air. “I’ll give you forgiveness, Maya, if that’s what you need.” Slowly he looked back at her, his eyes wet and sad. “You’re forgiven,” he whispered. “For all the people you left, for the choices you made. You’re forgiven. Okay?”

Maya nodded again and he let out a shaky breath, turning away from her and blinking a few times. “Thank you, Bellamy,” she said. She reached over, placing her hand atop his. His eyes fell shut, and she realized then that she didn’t have a monopoly on suffering. “So… so are you.”

A choked laugh escaped him, but a real smile stayed on his face. “Thank you,” he echoed, squeezing her hand gently.

They stayed by the fire a little longer, and when Maya finally made her way back to her and Harper’s tent her heart didn’t feel as heavy. There would always be darkness there, and Bellamy was right that her acceptance wasn’t going to happen overnight, hell it might not even happen at all. But Maya curled into her blankets and let her eyes drift shut.

 _None of us is innocent_ , she thought. _All of us are suffering_. And moving forward was all that they could do.

**Author's Note:**

> Miss ya, Maya. You deserved more.


End file.
